Today I’m in one of those moods where I just want to create. I want to make something beautiful and be proud of what I’ve created.
(Photos all taken with my phone camera – sorry).
It’s a long time since I’ve felt like that. Photography, design, and all my usual creative outlets have been put on hold for so long…I don’t think I’ve had this much time away from them since university. I’ve still been baking a lot, but it’s not the same thing, and doesn’t give me the same feeling of using arty skills (unless I’m painting on cakes for a course or doing sugar work, which is very rare).
This week has been quite busy. As well as work, I had a work friend over Friday night, then one of my old college friends came to stay on Saturday and Sunday. Monday afternoon I went to a city farm and soft play (I’m such a child) with two of my university friends and their son, last night a few of us went to see Divergent (amazing, definitely worth watching), and tonight it’s Second Wednesday. Tomorrow night I’m planning to stay in because I have a shitload of Coke Zero/Cherry Coke Zero being delivered. I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday, and then it’s the weekend. I need to exchange a top I bought last week for a smaller size, and do my share of house cleaning, but other than that I’m free. Assuming nothing else comes up, I’m going to spend some time designing, taking photos, and uploading all the photos I’ve neglected.
More importantly, I’m doing this for me. I’m going to create things purely for the pleasure of creating, and not because I’m paid to or I feel like I should. I’m looking forward to creating a playlist of my favourite songs and staying up till I can hear the birds. Even more importantly, I no longer dread weekends. I’m learning to live for myself and do things that make me happy. And despite the endless repetition of ‘You need to find out who you are’ from my psychiatrists (now pretty much non-plural, which is definite progress), it turns out I’m actually really happy with who I am and what I do generally. Things just needed some balancing, tweaking and refining. I’m still working on the whole balancing thing, but even stepping back to be more conscious of it helps.
Normally after I publish a blog post that goes on about how happy I am, it’s followed by a crash within a couple of days. This time it hasn’t been like that at all, and I’m grateful. I’m enjoying being happy, I’m enjoying smiling more, and I’m relieved I don’t have to make drastic life changes to get to that point. It’s amazing being able to enjoy things, feeling calm and stable, and having ‘normal’ reactions to things. Yes, I still get grumpy when I’m tired. I’m mildly aggravated when I’ve asked someone to do something multiple times and it still hasn’t happened. I’m not expecting rainbows and unicorns 24/7…that’s just unrealistic. But calm and consistent human being? I’ll have that every time please