Today did not go well.

The best things were seeing Joey this morning and seeing my friend Sarah, who I’ve not seen since the first day back.

Things started to go downhill in my morning lecture/seminar/thing, where I started to go really dizzy about halfway through. I have this thing where I go really dizzy and it’s like I’m trying to remember something but I’m not quite sure what, then after a while I snap out of it but I have no control over what I did during that time, and I can only remember it very vaguely. I think I might have mentioned this before at some point. Anyway, it occurred to me that this had happened at the same time, same place last week. So I’m not sure what it is. I think it might be related to my low blood pressure. I did eat a massive bowl of cereal like 2 hours before though, because I knew I wouldn’t get a chance to eat until around half 3 (have lectures 11-3). I did take my gym stuff, but by the time my second lecture ended I just had a massive headache and was not in the mood from the (pointless) wandering around apparently required in this drama module.

Instead I went to get my exam results. The way the system works is that you collect your essays, then go to your tutor who talks you through the results. This time, however, my tutor had to reschedule meetings for Monday, and so we were told to pick up results from the office. Normally I get up, go in, and get my results in the morning. This time I was a bit dizzy, headachy, and incredibly stressed. I’d spent the whole morning working myself up about these results, and I didn’t get debriefed from my tutor. So to be honest, I could’ve got the best results ever and probably still felt like shit.

Instead, I got incredibly upset and went home and just shut myself in my room. Even my results are better than they normally are, and Hannah and Joey are telling me they’re good. I just can’t…comprehend? Deal with it? It just triggered depression really, really badly. Now I’m still in my room, still have a headache, have taken my frustration and upset out on eating junk food, and I’m tired but too stressed to sleep.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle this meeting on Monday. I’m upset because I haven’t been to the gym at all this week. I feel lonely, maybe because I’m surrounded by people I don’t want to be near. And I still feel ridiculously bad about my results.

When I was eleven, my teacher wrote on my report that I got frustrated when people didn’t meet my high expectations. Now I’m 21, I’m no longer meeting my own expectations. I feel like a failure.