Starshine.la is, as many have pointed out, kind of dead now. It’s come a long way since it was first created by me and Lindy several years ago (when it was ‘Starstruck’). I’ve spoken to a lot of amazing people there, and I’m sure there are lots of people who had fun, got advice, and made some friendships there (online or otherwise) that will last the distance.

There are still some people posting there and some people who intend to stick with it, but I have no way of getting new people to join. Word of mouth is no longer reliable as people leave, and my hits for this website are way down (200 visitors a day down from 1500). Why do they leave? Most have other things to do, they grow up, move on. Others come back from time to time and complain that the board is slowly dying. Some blame me, because I don’t update enough.

Yep, I have something resembling a life now. I’m happy. I’m finishing university less than a year from now. I have two jobs. I have far more friends than I did when I was fourteen and hated everything about myself except my motivation and what little natural intelligence I possess. I don’t need to escape for such long periods of time anymore, and if I feel the need to get away I read a book (or, in more extreme circumstances, travel somewhere). I’m comfortable with who I am and whilst I see room for improvement (as I’m sure everyone else around me does too!), I feel that it’s within my grasp. Only a few months ago, I doubted who I was and where I was going. But now I feel confident to be able to move on, and continue this journey that I’ve started. I’m not as insecure as I used to be, and I have my wonderful friends and people around me to thank for that. The internet has become a place for me to keep in touch with them, and less optionally, a place to work. I’ve learned a lot of valuable skills and spoken to thousands of people, and my life just wouldn’t have been the same without all that.

But I’m just not the same person. If I sit down to make a layout, it will be based on a photo (usually one I’ve taken or one where copyright issues aren’t a problem). I don’t want to sit in front of Paint Shop Pro all evening and all night. I don’t want to listen to whines and complaints that I’m not doing this, or I should be doing that. I want to create art for art’s sake, and enjoy other people’s talents. I don’t want to be part of a massive popularity contest of comments and hits and members, and it’s not because I feel like I’m ‘losing’, or because I feel a sense of guilt when I don’t do something I know I should have.

It’s simply that it’s no longer fun for me. I have to force myself to sit down and update. I get dizzy fairly quickly sitting in front of a screen due to low blood pressure - whether that’s part of growing up or my body finally reacting to all the hours of abuse sitting in front of one, I don’t know.

I don’t care.

Sometimes I just want to be free.

These members going to other message boards with the same people there – so I don’t feel as guilty. Maybe SS will survive, I don’t know. There have been several times when it looked like the end and yet it pulled through. Many rivals were set up and failed to last the distance, maybe for similar reasons as to what I’m facing now, I don’t know. I’m just not a quitter, I find it difficult to let go. But over the past few months I’ve learned to let go, and move on, and it’s had a positive effect throughout my life and the people around me. I have taught myself to care in the right places, and if anything this detox has cleared my head enough to realise whose comments I should consider important, and who is trying yet again to bring me down.

There’s no more bringing me down. I’ve hit rock bottom, and I’m on the way back up. And maybe that will be true for Starshine as well.

I had a fantastic holiday and I’m back feeling refreshed and energetic

Thanks to everyone who wished me a good time; I’ll return your comments when I get a chance.

I took about 400, maybe 500 photos that will be added to the stock photo gallery for you guys to download for free and do what you please with – wallpapers, layouts, icons, whatever. Just please don’t claim them as your own or use them for commercial purposes other than charity. Plus, patience would be great as I have to transfer them all from my memory cards to my laptop, and then to my home computer (which is the only one with Internet access), sort through them and then upload/categorise/label them, so it might take a while.

Highlights of the holiday – me thinking the captain said that we might see goblins, instead of dolphins. Also after we got back, my dad pronouncing ‘Prague’ ‘Prag-wah’ and my sister thinking it’s in Spain and my mum Poland. Sometimes I worry about my family.

One of the most important aspects of the holiday was my spiritual epiphany. I had a body composition analysis done at the spa (Emma, the woman there, was really nice despite the fact that she couldn’t spell for shit, and my 45 min consultation turned into an hour and a half with no extra charge). My body is pretty messed up after years of not eating properly and yo yoing in terms of weight. Plus, I was pretty dehydrated (although that may be because it was 44 degrees C in Rome). Anyway, she suggested I do a detox, and she was pretty convincing about it. Since coming home I’ve bought some books on the subject and even though I really love potatoes and dairy, I’m willing to give it a shot. It’s time I started looking myself properly. Since today I bought Brain Training for the Wii, that kind of inspired me further to do an extended brain and body programme for the rest of the summer to rejuvenate me properly and get ready for my final year at uni.

Today was my first day of eating in accordance with the diet - I needed to shop for a few things and fully prepare myself. Today I’ve squeezed fresh juice in various combinations using raspberries, a pear, kiwi, green apple and mango, I’ve eaten a lot of varied salad stuff, mixed nuts and berries, fish and hummus with carrots. On a detox diet, most people feel like shit for the first few days because of caffeine withdrawal, then they start to feel great. Well, since my diet contained very little caffeine beforehand and the food on the ship was all fresh and good (I was eating a lot of desserts like cake and stuff though), I’ve skipped to the feeling great part. I feel happy, relaxed – and not in the slightest bit hungry. Nor do I feel tempted to eat, or crave anything ‘bad’. I’m completely hydrated and feel very satisfied. It may only be day one, but it’s definitely doing a lot for me so far!  

I’m supposed to be at the airport in like two and a half hous and after a very hectic day, I’ve only just finished packing! Haven’t got around to all the updates I wanted, but here’s a list:

- Added new links to the menu
- Updated my calendar in the menu
- Deleted all broken images on the plugboards and altered the page slightly
- Updated what I’m reading
- Returned all comments possible
- Layout of the Stock Photo Gallery has been fixed
- Answered all questions

Will return comments from this entry and any others I’ve missed after I get back! Sorry! I need some sleep lol