Just as I thought everything had worked itself out and was going to be fine, I got hit by depression this weekend. I don’t recommend carrying on reading this post if you think you will find it especially triggering, or you’re sensitive because God knows I’m not aiming to make anyone feel anywhere near as bad as I do right now.
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I’m scared now because I get the feeling it’s going to be something that’s going to reoccur periodically throughout my entire life…I’ve seen and heard about it happening, and I thought my depression was just a really, really bad patch that was in the past now. The pain is so intense it feels physical a lot in my chest, and I constantly try to distract myself and constantly move from one thing to another, not being able to focus on anything. Just wandering now. Occasionally bursting into tears.
On my birthday, and at Christmas…I wished on the cakes to be happy. That’s all I wanted. A little bit of happiness. Now I find it impossible to deal with most things unless I block them out. Which means I’m blocking people out and pushing them away. But the pain I’m living with without even considering certain other people is so tremendous…I can’t even begin to think about what it would be like if I spoke to these people. One thing that devastates me the most is that I used to be so strong. I put up with a lot of shit and I just got on with it. Now absolutely nothing will throw me into a suicidal state.
Alana’s been amazing. We’ve only known each other for about a month, but she’s been such a great housemate and friend to me when I needed someone there the most. I’m not saying she’s the only person that’s been there for me because that’s really NOT true by any stretch of the imagination and I’m very lucky in that I have a lot of amazing friends that I would truly do anything for because I love them so much. And I have a lot of love to give, underneath all this hurt and pain. Anyway. Alana’s not here tonight, which is probably why I’m so much more stressed than I have been over the past couple of days. She definitely understands though and she really is helping me. I don’t know how or why or whether it’s really obvious, but she’s picked up on the fact that I’m severely lacking in self-confidence and she says things to me like ‘Andy [the guy she's seeing] thinks you’re really pretty’ and ‘Hwan Min really respects you’ and stuff like that which I find difficult to believe but at least it helps my paranoia…
The first sign that I’m depressed is that I get highly paranoid. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m paranoid anyway, without having to even consider it, but when I’m depressed I notice every tiny movement, and constantly think I see things running across the floor, moving in/out of my line of vision etc. The second thing is my memory – I can’t remember the stupidest things, even if they happened five minutes ago. After that I stop eating (hasn’t happened this time yet, probably because Alana cooks a lot for me, bless her – and she’s an amazing cook – plus she takes me food shopping with her so I end up buying things), and after that I stop sleeping. After that stage, I turn into crazy woman and lose control of what’s going on and what I’m doing. I drag myself into university and that’s the most effort I make with my life. I can’t think of anything beyond death. I don’t want to. Thinking about a new day terrifies the shit out of me, never mind the rest of my life. I take it hour by hour, and even that’s sometimes too much. At the moment, I’m not that bad. Thinking back to the time when I was…well, it was the lowest I’d ever been. I didn’t even realise it was possible to get that low and still fool people into thinking you’re a functioning human being. In fact most of the time I doubt people thought I was.
My main cure at the moment is exercise. It distracts me, it often involves interaction with my friends (gym/swimming), and best of all, I’m too physically exhausted to cry, or to think, or to feel pain. There aren’t any other ‘cures’. TV is quite good, but the adverts freak me out because I can’t concentrate on them, and when it gets so late that there’s nothing on it scares me going up to bed, especially in a highly paranoid state. Today I decided to be constructive with my ‘illness’ – ironically I’m a much more positive person now in other ways, which annoys the crap out of some people at times – and used my dance mat, read some stylistics essays, read some Chaucer, began my Drama seminar preparation and did some laundry. After about 4pm though, it started to go downhill and I took a looong break to relax. And now I feel pretty crap. I’m trying to count the good things – I’m nowhere near as bad as I was over Christmas, there are things I’m looking forward to both short and long term, Alana will be back tomorrow, I can go to the gym, and I have stuff possession-wise that I am grateful for, and I do appreciate, even if I don’t always say it explicitly.
All I can is – if feeling like this means someone, somewhere else in the world doesn’t, then it’s worth it. Because there is no one I would wish it on, ever. I would willingly give my life to someone in extreme physical pain, or dying, or someone with cancer, or, well, anyone. I just wish it were possible. Because I stopped wanting to live around three months ago.
*waves* Hi, I'm 
Oh my gosh, Jenni! *hugs* I do know how you feel, though, because I go through a lot of depression also… Especially when you have no friends to talk to offline, it really does hurt… *sigh*… You’re lucky to have some offline friends to talk to…
I’m glad that nothing can get you into a suicidal state, though! *hugs* Just hang in there, Jenni, and you will get through this! I know you will!! We both both get through life together, but it’ll be hard, but worth it. Just hang in there! *hugs*
Aw…. =( I hope you feel a lot better really soon
Think positive girl 
If life’s a circle, you’re now at the bottom, and then it can only go up, right?! 
That’s so sad.
I’ll pray for you. Hope you get through this. 
I wish there was something to say, and I have to be realistic, knowing this is only a comment on your site, but I feel like I should say something. I feel really bad for what you’re going through, and I really sympathize. I hope it starts to work out better for you. And if it helps any, you do seem to be a really nice, great person. It’s great you have friends with you; don’t be afraid to rely on them. And if nothing else, at least it’s not as bad and you better know how to handle it, right? I don’t think this will be a periodic thing through your life…it just takes awhile to get totally back on track.
Aw.. I typed 10! so I failed, and lost my comment.
Well, *SNUGGLES AND HUGGLES EVER SO TIGHTLY*.
You poor thing.. it’s great that Alana is there for you and is so good for you. Sometimes support network can make all the difference, but it sounds like you do have a strong one. Like Courtney said, don’t be afraid to rely on them! Everyone needs someone sometime…
The worst thing is.. we can all sympathise but noone can physically do something and just ‘fix’ it all.. we can only encourage you. And though this is my first comment here.. and been forever since I’d commented on Star Girl.. I still wish you all the best, cause everyone deserves to be happy. Take care of yourself..
Jess
I’m so sorry to hear things are bad for you right now… You don’t really know me but I have been reading your journals and websites since you were about 13/14 (freaky) I was serverly depressed for 4/5 years and I can honestly say some of the best things you can do are not to carry on/go over board trying to block things out. As you’ve noticed, if you stop it will hit you hard
Also, Excersise is actually a good thing for depression, it does help lift your mood and get you’re heart good. I don’t know how bad your hullucinations are but if they are really freaking you out/they are still there when you look back I would really talk to someone about it. I know its easier to make people think you’re happy/coping but is this pain really worth it? No one would think less of you if you seeked help before you got back to that stage *Hugs* Perhaps you need something esle to focus on, rather than be grateful why not trying achieving other things? That might be rewarding/uplifting. Take care, I hope you start feeling better some time soon.
Jenni … first of all *HUGS*
Reading your post sounds brings back a lot of painful memories and a lot of things I’m currently going through right now. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder by my doctor this past December. I too am a college student (just going through my second year)… and wow a lot of the “intense pain” and “relapsing” you talk about sounds all too familiar. I’m not sure whether your depression is due to an event or circumstance in your life (e.g. a divorce) or whether these “spells” of depression happen for no reason — like mine.
I didn’t really know it was depression when I first started getting these feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, self-hate… etc. etc. I find that it happens a lot with people who tend to be perfectionists, ambitious, hard-driven. There are genetic depredispositions for it… and if not dealt with properly – can lead to a lot of really scary things. For me, I used unhealthy outlets to deal with anxiety. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way, hwy I would cry for no reason whatsoever, why it seemed that I couldn’t be ‘normal’ and jus deal with stress the normal way. It came to a point where I couldn’t be alone – I couldn’t deal with being away from home, school, things I used to handle so resiliantly just weren’t the same. You know its depression when you start to lose interest in things you used to love, you start to avoid people or situations where you go out. What I find most striking about people who are depressed – are that they are SOOO good at hiding it. They try to turn their faults into something else — like… they come across to people as so well mannered and so much in control of their lives when in reality its the complete opposite -I think it may be because they try so well to hide it.
Sometimes my depression comes and goes sporadically, like there are times when I feel on top of the world – and perfectly fine. Other times, whether it be pressure, I can cave in and feel rock bottom. There are times when those feelings do get “so intense”, that you can’t control the amount of anxiety you feel. Like your friend Alana, I have someone I depend on to get me through sometimes.
I couldn’t make this a private post, but If you ever wanna talk about it or anything, just drop me an e-mail ^^
I know I haven’t known you long online, but I think you should just keep going. Most people go through some depressed stage in their life, and if you get through it you’ll be that much stronger. So take care!
Hang in there and take care of yourself! I’ve been depressed before, though not seriously. I know how dark the world feels, but everything will get better (I promise!). I’m several years younger than you, put I know how it can feel to be swamped with school and things, and you feel like the rest of your days will be miserable. My one bit of advice from my depression stage: don’t block people out. Your friends and family want to help, so let them–don’t shut them out of your life or tell them they “don’t understand” and should “just go away”. I made that mistake, and I lost some of my friends. They WANTED to understand, but I wouldn’t let them. When I got on anti-depressants and started feeling better, they shunned me. I tried to explain but they DIDN’T want to understand then. Accept help and sympathy as it is offered.
I hope you feel better soon. You’ll be in my prayers. Everything will look up! Hang in there! You have so many bright days ahead of you.