Well, as always, I have ideas, I just don’t have the tenacity or motivation to put them into practice. I’m even telling myself to update but I really don’t want to. I’m not feeling the need to blog about my life any more either, which really sucks because I used to love doing that. If I did blog about events, feelings, etc., I’d probably freak quite a lot of people out.

However…life goes on, to quote Dora Chance/Angela Carter (when in doubt, quote other people). I’ve got as far as taking some pics of my new haircut (although I can’t seem to find my pen drive to put them on this computer), and I designed a header for a layout ages ago which may appear sometime in the new year. I’ve also written a new subpage, which needs to be teamed up with a few other things before I can add it and list it as an update

I’ve been spending very little time on the computer – I’ve been out seeing friends (Sarah, Tom, Em, Hannah and Andy), doing uni work, my mum has been on it quite a bit for ebay (as usual), and what time I have spent on it has been browsing livejournal communities, reading university emails, posting on a bravenet message board I set up for a group assignment, and printing. (Whew long sentence!). Trying to keep busy to take my mind off things. I’ve written up all the uni notes I was behind on, and I’ve printed off several hundreds of pages of extra notes dating back to September/October. I’ve also read various books (I’m really not keeping up with updating my reading list!), and am re-reading some for my exams. 

I’m trying to remember the last exam-free Christmas I had…I think I must have been maybe 9, 10 – so a decade ago! And the last Christmas where I didn’t have ‘important’ exams – 15 probably. It will be weird once uni is over and I actually have a christmas holiday I don’t have to work through…hmm…

All my Christmas presents have been bought, wrapped (and in some cases given) for a while now. Because of the relatives staying with us, I ended up buying more presents this year, and I’m not broke but getting there after spending £60 on a return train ticket the other day Maybe I’ll get some money for Christmas.

Hmm..what else? I’m basically just trying to keep busy, but it’s really difficult when I’m still having a hard time. I’m still emotionally very down, but trying to keep upbeat, which results in a ton of mood swings where I’m all over the place. At the moment there seem to be a lot of ‘triggers’ – a careless phrase or text, and I’m in pieces. I’m nowhere near as strong as I used to be but I’m hoping, with a family Christmas, and some time at home with my friends will cure me. I really hope so.

Merry Christmas everybody

I could write a book about everything that’s happened over the last month.

My relatively happy life has been transformed into a tangled mess of crap and shit.

All I can say is – there are some people who I shouldn’t have trusted. There have also been some amazing people out there – they know who they are – who have done nothing but support me and tell me they love me and listen to me moaning at all times of the day and night. To those people: thank you. I will never forget what you did and are doing for me. You are the people who help me through the struggle of getting up in the morning, trying to get on with my life as every day gets progressively worse. Bizarrely, these are often surprising people. People who I haven’t necessarily been close to before. As well as Tom and Hannah, who I’m confident will always be there for me…And Richard and Tabi, who are amazing, beautiful people and deserve to be as happy as I am depressed right now.
I have times where I try to fight it, and I have times where I want to give up. I’m taking things an hour at a time. I am trying to think of it as, every time another bad thing happens, I am closer to a good thing. But it’s hard.

Thanks to all the people online who have left lovely supportive comments, and those at Starshine too. You guys are so good to me…

I guess there are some people out there who are dying to know more. If you don’t know the address of my Vox blog, send me a message on MSN and I will give you the URL.

I’m now officially 20 (well I will be at 3:45 am).

And I still have serious depression and just want to die…Sorry to be so morbid, and I apologise in advance for kids/people I freak out with this.