Psycho Coach Driver

I haven’t blogged since last year, so I have lots to catch up on

First of all, I hope every one had a great Christmas and is enjoying the new year – I know I am, which is surprising since New Year’s Eve and Day are my least favourite times of the whole year.

So what have I been up to? Well, Christmas I spent at home with family, opening presents, eating chocolate etc. I also picked up Zelda (Wind Waker) again, because it’s kind of a tradition to start a console game with my sister at around Christmas. One horrible thing happened on Christmas Day – I bought a kitty selection box for Fuzz, and opened it for her. Inside was a packet of fish complete with heads and eyeballs. Just the thing you want to open on Christmas Day with your bare hands when you’re half asleep and not expecting it. I freaked out so much lol.

On the 28th I got the coach down to London and met up with Nika and Andy *cough* Yes…I guess most people who know about Andy will be surprised by that and probably be wanting to know more. But that’s all I’m saying I stayed with Andy and then went to Nika’s. We met up with Rich (who I’ve met once before) and Will, and we had a fantastic time. We’re planning ‘Cruellest Intentions’, and it’s going to be hilarious. If the film works out well, I’ll upload it for everyone to see

So I got back today…eventually. I got the coach to London because the train cost �75 compared to �25 for the coach, and because I’m a pussy and hate travelling on my own. Weirdly enough, for the third time in a row, the journey was with the same driver on the way there…Due to the traffic, I arrived almost an hour late.

But it wasn’t as bad as the way back, which deserves a title all of its very own *cue scary music*

The Tale of the Psycho Coach Driver

The coach was delayed, which annoyed me, and I didn’t get on until 12:30 (it was due at 12). Then Mr. Psycho Driver gets on…

Herr Psycho Driver: (in a fascist dictator voice) I can smell chips! Who’s got chips?!
(Cue confused/scared silence from all passengers)
Random Teenage Guy: What? Me? I haven’t got chips!! (starts laughing as if this is hysterically funny)
(Teenage guys with him also start laughing)
Herr Psycho Driver: (teacher voice) You aren’t allowed hot food on board! If I find anyone with hot food they will have to leave and won’t be allowed back on! What are you laughing at?!
Random Teenage Guy: What? What are you saying? I don’t have chips! I’m not the one with hot food!
Herr Psycho Driver: Well what do you think you’re laughing at then?
Random Teenage Guy: (aggressively) I’m just having a laugh with my mates, why? What’s wrong with that?
(Mr. Psycho Driver gets off the coach at this point, by which time I’ve traced the chips to the guy in front of me who finishes eating them. 5 minutes later, Mr. Psycho comes back with a coach official).
Herr Psycho Driver: Someone’s eating chips! I can smell them!
Coach Official: (launches some crap spiel about no food being allowed on board – even though cold food actually is).
(Complete silence after he’s finished speaking).
Old Irish Guy Behind Me: (VERY randomly) Well I haven’t got chips!!! You can search me if you want!!

At this point I was considering leaving the coach because a) I was worried about putting my life in the hands of a Nazi coach driver and b) it would have been quicker to walk the 200 miles home, but I was too scared to walk past him so I quietly and discreetly got my mini Pringles out and hoped for the best.

[I must just interrupt my story here to add that my sister has just pulled my dad into the room. Which doesn't sound strange until you know that he's on Pom's lead and my sister has just made him sit and shake 'paws'.]

So anyway, I manage to get away with eating. By this point, the coach driver is finally ready to leave and the coach which was delayed from 12 until 12:30 has now been delayed another 20 minutes because of the chips fiasco.

We drive solidly and as it’s Bank holiday the roads are dead, which means we’re making fairly good time. Until the announcement…

Herr Psycho Driver: Right, we’re going to stop at this service station (insert random bullshit about drivers legally having to stop which never happened on the way to London but is probably some of that stuff written in small print on contracts that nobody ever reads) for 30 minutes.

Total time of delay so far: 1 hour 20 minutes.

We get on the coach again, and continue driving. The coach is scheduled to make 3 stops: Manchester Airport, Stockport, and Manchester, in that order.
We eventually get to Manchester Airport:

Herr Psycho Driver: Okay, who’s going to Stockport?
(Random people put their hands up as in school, including me)
Herr Psycho Driver: Okay then, you all have to get off the coach and get on this other coach. Because you’re going to Stockport and I have no idea where Stockport is.
Me: *jaw drops*

Aside from the fact that the airport is actually in Stockport you stupid fucker, did it not occur to you that you should perhaps not drive nearly 200 miles with a coachload of passengers and then tell them you have no idea where the hell their destination is?!?!?

So we pile off, get our stuff, load it into the other coach, and then get on. And travel the 10-15 minutes or so to Stockport in perfect silence and in optimum time, with a coach driver who seemed…normal?

Original Departure Time: 12:00.
Original Number of Changes: 0.
Original Number of Incidents Involving Chips: 0.
Original Arrival Time: 3:35.

Actual Departure Time: 12:50.
Actual Number of Changes: 1.
Actual Number of Incidents Involving Chips: 1.
Actual Arrival Time: 5:30.

And the moral of the story? Smurfs taste fruity.

And with that little nugget of information, I’ll leave you to join hands and sing songs about toadstools.